And that, my friends, is when you make bad decisions. That’s when you decide to watch things like “I Know Who Killed Me.”. I thought I’d at least laugh at how terrible it was. But I didn’t laugh, I actually died a little bit on the inside.

And then came the ridiculous commericials. Like the one for the Wet Glaze Nail System. For 39.99 you can get the base set of nail glazes that allow you to create your own colors by mixing them together. Why buy green nail polish when you can create it with your nail glaze system? Need a professional look but don’t have time to take off your nail polish for a professional look? Just use your nail glazes to create a blood red color. I’m serious.

You know what else? Need to do pull ups in your door way? Need to get fit in minutes a day? Want to have huge biceps in 30 days but don’t want to actually go to the gym, eat healthy and do cardio? IRON GYM.

Bad Lohan movies, nail glaze, iron gym, just go to bed people.

My answer? Life is meant to be lived and if you aren’t reaching out to take what it has to offer and grow in wisdom and grace, you’re missing out. I know that I have grown a lot these past few years and as I look forward to 25, I realize that I truly want to grow more. Becoming a better “me” while still loving “me” is a challenge! But I am willing to take it on because this is all I am and if I don’t love it and nurture it, no one will.

P.S- yes I’m blogging from my balckberry in bed which does totally break my promise to the boyfriend lol

If you know anything about me, though, it isn’t that easy.  You see, before I decided to have a “do-nothing” morning I had to research what it involved and who else was doing it.  I needed to find some solid support for the psychological benefits of a nothingness and then, only then, would I let myself go back to sleep.  You see, I’m crazy but if you’re like me, give yourself a break.  I may be doing nothing this morning but I’ll be volunteering at this event from 1pm till almost 8 at night.  I just finished finals (I’m in graduate school) and my weekend was packed with celebrating my boyfriend’s birthday and holiday parties.  I spent yesterday doing a serious clean of the house, applying for jobs, cooking and re-organizing my emails.  It is not crazy that I’d take it easy this morning but only sane people think that way.

You, me and the rest of the overachievers know that despite my goal to “do-nothing”, I’m probably going to start putting on my sneakers now.

I used to blog all the time.  In fact, I had a pretty substantial following and it was great.  I adapted all kinds of new voices and I entertained.  But then life happened.  Suddenly, the personal stories that I had so openly shared felt too open.  I was reeling so hard from trying to put my life back together that blogging just didn’t fit.  And it scared the hell out of me because to truly put myself out there, I had to level with myself.  I had to be honest with myself.  And I had to be fearless. 

Fearless is something you have when you’re young.  You don’t know any better.  Life takes over though, and the older you get the more you realize that you have to be afraid of.  You get set in certain habits and ideas, you protect yourself by doing the same thing over and over again.  When life tells you its time to change, you find it impossible because the fear of change has been so ground into you.  And the only way to level with yourself is to be fearless. 

So where exactly does that leave me?  I’ve read all the advice about what to blog about and what not to say.  Although, there is something about personal honesty in an open forum that I’ve always relished.  I’ve always been the first person to speak out about my alcholic father, struggles with dieting or on a lighter note: procrastination.  I’ve always found it was a great way to bring people together and it was how met so many different people.  My fearlessness let them know they weren’t alone.  And isn’t that what we are all searching for?

So this is what my blog is then, letting you know that you’re not alone.  If you are out of work in the middle of a recession, I hear you.  I’m there.  If you just forayed into domestic bliss but you can’t cook for crap, I hear you (and if you get any recipes please send them to me) and if you are on the verge of a quarter-life crisis because you have this out of control type-A personality about life and accomplishing things, come on in!  What I’m saying is that I want to level with myself.  If I can’t be true here then where?  And if you can’t ever find anyone who’s going through what you’re going through how will you manage not to freak out?  Chances are, someone has been there. 

So leveling with myself part one: I know that like my bff Oprah, I’ve fallen a bit off the weight loss wagon. I’m not a fat beast or anything, but I’m a little softer in places that used to be a little more fit.  More than that though, I used to really enjoy being in shape and now its a task just to get myself outside for a walk.  So I need to get off my butt.  Are you there too?

Alright, I guess it wasn’t that bad.

All in all I had an amazing time.  I saw the house that my great, great grandfather built and the land he bought after he got his freedom.  The house is like 200 years old and still standing!  I meant my great aunts and saw where my grandfather grew up.  I got to eat meals with relatives I had never meant and I finally got to see baby Ethan (YAY!!!!!).  But the best part was seeing my grandfather’s face.  At 87 years old, he has seen more than I can even imagine.  He remembered what it was like to be a young man in the south in the 20s and connected with family he hadn’t seen in decades.  For a few days, he was home again and you could see that it changed him.  He walked taller, straighter and was sharper than I’ve seen him in a long time.  So in the end, I suppose a sore tailbone was worth it.

Alright.  Fine.  The cupcakes were a box mix but the icing I definately made using a recipe that I found online.  Now, this may not seem like a big deal but you don’t know my cooking capabilities.  Or rather, lack thereof.  I can’t cook for crap.  When I do cook, I often start drinking a glass…or 4 of wine and watching movies which only leads to a kitchen in disarray.  I make some pretty amazing stuff but since I can’t be bothered to follow recipes, I can never repeat it.  Its not really a big deal now, but I can see it becoming a problem when I have kids and the family looks for me to provide nourishment. 

My future kid:  Mommy, whats for dinner?

Me:  Well, Papa Johns has this buy one pizza get one half off deal so….

As you can see, this feat of cooking is a pretty big deal.  It means that there is hope for me afterall and that should my boyfriend end up on a business trip for a week (which does happen) I won’t starve to death.  I’ll get fat from living off of buttercream iced cupcakes but at least I won’t be hungry.

Equality

I went to the Prop 8 Rally in Center City (Philadelphia) after work on Saturday.  It was a beautiful experience.  I met gay couples and straight couples, watched parents talk to their children about equal rights and saw friends supporting friends.  I am not gay but one of my siblings is and he is an all-out phenomenal human being.  The same way I expect he will be at my wedding is the same way I expect to be at his.  Yes, I don’t just believe he has the right, I expect that he should have it.  The crowd was full of people with signs (serious: ”None of us is equal till all of us equal”, funny: “I deserve the right to miserable too.”) and wearing t-shirts that all expressed the same message: hate in any form is unacceptable. 

What do we want?

Equal Rights.

When do we want them?

Now.

Sounds familiar right?

Vision Boards

You may or may not know, I am back in the job search market.  This process is a different one.  In the past, I’ve been on the search out of desperation.  I didn’t take as much time to consider the actual position because I was so in need of employment.  Don’t get me wrong, I value every position that I’ve had and I learned a lot.  Nevertheless, I have lost sight of what is truly important: finding a career that I love and value.  And that, my friends, is how the vision board came about.

….yes, I said vision board.  And yes, I saw it on Oprah.  But hear me out!  I made a vision board over the summer for my personal goals (getting out of debt, procuring a better work wardrobe, upgrading my gadgets, organizing my closet, etc.) and like magic, it all happened!  Alright, not so much like magic but you get the idea.  I accomplished all of those things because creating the board forced me to focus on what kind of goals were really important to me.  So when I got some bonus money, I paid off all of my credit cards, shopped for work clothes and a new blackberry.  I spent my Sunday afternoons organizing my closet and clearing out the clutter.  It was really fantastic!  So that success led me to create my vision board for a new job.  Again, the focus has really helped me identify what I’m looking for in my next position.  I want stability and I know that partially comes from happiness.  The biggest word on the board is “love.”  In the past, I’ve loved the people, the job title, the office and now I want to love the job itself.

The End of Procrastination

Okay. Not the end.  But a step in the right direction.  I experimented last week with pushing myself out of my comfort zone and not procrastinating on small tasks.  It has been a really great week and not as hard as I thought.  In fact, just doing things when I need to do them has given me more time and made things easier.  Now I’m just trying to find the balance between completing a to-do list and identifying the most important goals for the day.  Last week I just worked on marking as many things off as possible.  That would ultimately lead to some items getting pushed down the line (jeez, I can’t do it all!).  But some of those things were important and now I want to focus on how to get them done while still maintaining my everyday tasks. 

The battle continues.

SHHHH!! 

Not about big things but about little things. 

…okay.  About big things too.

But I don’t mean to.  I start out really good and I even get a good rhythm going and then bam!  I find myself sitting down to write a post but then I need a cup of coffee to concentrate.  And then I need to finish checking my email.  And then I need to follow-up with some stuff for work.  And then I need to have a snack.  And then I need to outline my post.  And then I realize I am procrastinating.  And then I need to Google about procrastination.  And then I need to develop a procrastination action plan and…well…you get the idea.

But this week I am challenging myself not to procrastinate.  I am challenging myself to complete the things on my to-do list and most importantly, to jump outside of my comfort zone.  I am 24 and as I am on the job prowl in a crazy economy, I find that its time to take everything I thought I knew and turn it on its head.  I guess thats why I need to blog again.  That, and there are so many great things I am starting to get interested in and involved with.  For starters, check out my guest post on The Diversity Projeckt.  It is a fantastic blog written by my friend Kathrin who has always challenged me to think outside of the box. 

So I guess I’m back to blogging.  I used to think 23 was the new black but I guess now its 24.  Yay.